Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Something New from something old...

The other day, I learned something new. I'm currently reading Curing MS: How Science is Solving the Mysteries of Multiple Sclerosis and just when I thought that I couldn't learn anything more about the disease that plagues my body, I read that 90% of the people with MS who have Relapsing-Remitting MS will develop Secondary-Progressive MS. This "shift" in the disease process usually occurs by the time the patient has lived with the diagnosis 25-30 years. Guess what? I have had MS at least since age 26. (Probably sooner as there are some things that happened prior to age 26 that I can look back upon and say, "yeah, that was probably MS...") I've been "officially" diagnosed since age 30. Today I'm 49. So it's at least 23 years that I've been dealing with this illness. And today I'm living right smack dap in the middle of an exacerbation which began back in March and has continued...steadily worsening over the weeks to the point where I had to quit working on July 15th.

Have I "crossed over" from relapsing remitting to secondary progressive? I hope not. It is possible? Yes. In fact, It's highly probable. Will things get worse before they get better? Don't know. Will the current drug therapy and physical therapy do anything to help my current physical situation? Don't know that either.

Here's one thing I do know without a doubt: God is still on the throne. Sure, there are moments when I am so stinkin' frustrated that I can't do the things I want to do...when my body won't move the way I tell it to move...when my legs don't work and I can't walk...or I take a step and fall down because they quit working altogether. But I still know: God is on the throne. Whenever I am trying to form a sentence in my brain and can't find the words to speak it from my lips...when I don't have the strength to open the gallon of milk...when my mood swings so far to the other side that I find myself screaming at my daughter or nagging my husband for no good reason...when I can't sleep even though I'm completely exhausted...when I pick up my cup to take a drink and completely miss my mouth...(Yes, Sara, I know how that happens!)...when all of that...and a million other annoying things occur...I still know: God is on the throne.

I can choose to wallow in self pity. Or I can choose to take joy in the fact that when everyone else looks up in the sky and sees one hot air balloon flying by...I am blessed to see two - because maybe that day, I have double vision. A blessing? Perhaps not. But it's all in how I perceive things to be.

God is still on the throne. Whether or not He chooses to heal me, or whether or not he allows this disease to go from relapsing-remitting to seconday-progressive...He is still on the throne.

And THAT is what I know!

...I saw the LORD sitting on his throne
with all the host of heaven standing around him
on his right and on his left.
-I Kings 22:19b


Pat said...

And that is all you need to know. That and that so many are praying for you.
When we realize that only God has the answers, only God gives us hope and only God is our source and BECAUSE He love us...only has a good plan for His children.
You can call me anytime, even if I don't like to talk on the phone!!

Constance said...

"You have to let what you KNOW control what you feel rather than letting what you FEEL control what you know!"
Pastor Toby

I love this quote and I love your attitude! It is incredibly easy to focus on the pain, trials and unfairness of this life. I have to remind myself that my 70-80 year life span here on earth is a water droplet in the ocean of eternity!

I am guessing that eternity is such an abstract concept and such an unknown that that is why, I tend to focus on what is tangible right now! Even pain....

Hugging you sweet sister through the internet wi-fi waves!

Char said...

Excellent perspective.
Our God reigns.