Saturday, October 14, 2006

Things I Will Never Do

There are things in this life that I probably will never do - just because it would go against every grain in me to do them. For example, what would happen if you popped a bag of microwave popcorn with "THIS SIDE UP" facing down? I'll never know --because I will never do that --it CLEARLY states on the bag that you should pop it in the correct popping position. What could possibly happen?...will the microwave suddenly implode? Will the popcorn bag get holes in it thereby causing the microwave to spew popcorn all about the inside? Would an alarm go off and a big red arrow appear in the sky flashing and pointing at you?! What's the big deal? (And by the way....why isn't popcorn considered a vegetable?!)

Here's something else you'll never catch me doing....driving across the parking lines in a parking lot. If it's during the day, I have to drive all the way to the END of the row before I turn. If it's NIGHTTIME...No road rules apply --I figure if it's dark, they won't see me.

And another thing...I will never drink milk - or any other beverage - from the carton. Unless, of course, it's an individual sized carton. To me...that would be the same as DOUBLE DIPPING --which is something else I'd NEVER DO (in a 'community' bowl). Now, if I have my own individual dipping 'station' then again --rules don't apply. I have been known, on occasion, to cheat and dip one end of the pretzel or chip, take a bite and then TURN the snack item around and dip the other end --as long as I can be sure that there is enough "clearance" and the freshly dipped part of the pretzel or chip will not in any way come in contact with the dip.

I will also never put the roll of toilet tissue on the holder the WRONG way. It is supposed to unroll from the top FRONT of the roll - not the BACK of the roll. If you don't believe me --just buy one of those brands that has the little roses or something embossed in the paper and see if you put it on the roll with the paper unrolling from the back that the whole design is UPSIDE DOWN! If your paper hangs the wrong direction --you must be communist or something. (This goes for my sister who doesn't escape my frustration just because she's a blood relative. Forgiveness doesn't apply to mismanaged toilet paper etiquette.)

Something else I just won't do is throw away a half-full 20 oz bottle of pop just because it's been sitting in my van for more than a week. You never know when I may have a DRY MOUTH EMERGENCY and need to take a swig of the pop - be it flat and fizz-less or not. Ideally, the leftover beverage of choice would be some non-carbonated drink and it would be any season other than summer so that the beverage remains cool or cold. (I recently cleaned out the van and found five half-empty 20 oz. bottles of drink. They are now neatly organized in a bag on the floor of the passenger side --just in case I need them in an emergency.)

Here's another one that I feel VERY strongly about: I WILL NOT share my WENDY'S FROSTY with ANYONE! We MUST all have our OWN! --or at the very least --pour some into an empty cup and share it that way. My husband will attest to this and would be more than willing to share with anyone who will listen about my selfishness when it comes to Wendy's Frosties.

Last, but not least....I cannot, will not, no way, no how, in any shape or form bite into a Tootsie Roll Pop until I've licked far enough to expose at least half of the tootsie roll center. That would just be wrong. (and UN-American.)


Empty Dumpty said...

Only a small portion of the bag will pop. I will not take stupid instructions at face value. I also purposely tear off the do not remove labels as a show of force. Much like a sit in only...a tare in.

Popcorn is the popped kernels of corn from a cob, which is of course by botanical definition a ripened ovary...therefore fruit.

A real man would sneak out to the van in the dead of night removing half empty bottles of beverages under the cloak of darkness. It's a safety thing and must never be taken lightly. It is a good thing that you organized the five bottles in a neat pile. You have saved the real men of this world at least 20 minutes of searching through old half empty happy meal bags to find the half empty beverages.

You leave yourself wide open for a tissue dispenser prankster to eh hem, ruin your day.

You're terribly misunderstood about frosty's. It too bad everyone else is accustomed to snuggling up next to their partner on a cool evening with a fire crackling whilst dreamily sharing a frosty. Those people are just too into romantics to ever get you. I feel your pain.

Tootsie pops? Aren't they bad for your teeth? Just what are you thinking, perhaps you should seek out the nearest dental hygienist to work out this issue.

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dawnaj1958 said...

and to think you and the Jim-meister call ME pre-A. I'm personally thrilled if a new roll of toilet paper gets replaced and I don't care which direction it goes as long as I don't have to do the pants around my ankles hop to the cupboard to get a new one. On pretty much everything else I agree somewhat. Except that I will never (again) go the wrong way on a one way street with a smart mouthed cop sitting by the side of the road.

Margie said...

you crack me up...

SO the question of the day??

How many licks to the center of a tootsie pop??

And the toilet paper thing... the roll (even double rolls) is never on long enough at our house to make a difference!

Birmingham Girl said...

When I read "Empty's" comment, I knew immediately it was your beloved...he has style and class that can't be duplicated, not to mention an outstanding sense of humor!!
I've been known to keep a bottle of pop for ages till its finally emptied and I don't care if it's flat or warm. But, I do drive across the lines in a parking lot, call me wild and crazy!
Dawna, why were you driving the wrong way on a one way street? Do I need to send you a compass?

Deb said...

Okay --so now I have this hilarious picture in my head of Dawna doing the pants around the ankles hop in the bathroom!

As for how many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop --I actually gave that as a homework assignment one week to my Bible Study group. We were learning how to trust God with our weight loss issues and I wanted them to learn to SLOW DOWN when they ate and give their brain a chance to tell them that they were full....hence the Tootsie Lick Project.

And as for birmingham girl referring to my dh as "my beloved"....I really like how that sounds! He is indeed my beloved and I love him more every day --even though I may not always show it - I hope he knows!

dawnaj1958 said...

Oh and "yes" popcorn IS a vegetable and so is chocolate. (cocoa BEANS, duh) WHere have you been?

Lori said...

So the backward toilet paper at my house is bugging you huh? GOOD! Now we'll never change it! By the way that is a pet peeve of mine that I have learned to let go because it's just another thing that I will never change about Ken.

Jada's Gigi said...

Girl you are too funny! I used to be a bit like you...well, maybe a lot like you...tee hee...til I had a daughter who lives by the seat of her pants and challenges EVERY single rule...and you know what...she usually comes out that stinks for someone who's been SO good at following the rules all her life like I tend to cut loose a little more these days...but not with might ruin the WHOLE bag...and I take my popcorn very seriously :)
ON another note...please throw out the soda! a ton of bacteria can live and grow in such an environment..I have a friend who became very ill and the docs couldn't figure it out for weeks...from repeatedly drinking out of a plastic water bottle which she actually hand washed every day..plastic absorbs bacteria.