Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Rules

I have rules.
Rules by which I think everyone should live.
Some are hefty rules.
Some are puny rules.
But they’re all rules.
In my definition - a rule is not to be broken.

Here are some examples of some of my rules.
I won’t drive above the speed limit (unless no one is behind me).
(If someone is behind me, I won’t drive even one mph above
the posted limit and complain the entire time that the person behind
me is tailgating because, "you know, if I have to stop suddenly, they're going to run into me!") If there’s no one behind me –I drive whatever I
consider to be a safe speed - which could mean 50 mph on a 35 mph
country road on the occasion we’re running late to take Olivia to swimming lessons.
My justification? She’s only in the pool for 20-25 minutes of the scheduled 30 minute lesson as it is and dag nab it, I’ll be doggoned if she’s going to miss another minute because we’re running late. Besides, if the swimming instructors followed the rules and allowed the students in the water for the entire scheduled 30 minutes, then I wouldn’t have to break the aforementioned speed limit rule. (It’s their fault - not mine. I take no blame –but that’s a subject for another blog.)

I won’t open the mail until I use the proper letter opener - because I hate all those messy, torn envelope flaps which result from improperly opened mail. Brillo Man will attest to the fact that I have reprimanded him for sloppy letter opening - a huge infarction which should be punishable by something akin to scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush.

Which reminds me of my “scrubbing the kitchen floor” rules. One must first sweep every corner and under every cabinet with the whisk broom and dustpan BEFORE one gets out the vacuum cleaner (or as Olivia would say, the suck-up sweeper). Then you vacuum, then you get down on your hands and knees and wash and rinse the floor. If those steps are not followed, then I consider the floor to be improperly scrubbed. (I can’t recall ever scrubbing the kitchen floor in the home we live in now to be properly scrubbed....Brillo Man once got down on his hands and knees a few weeks ago, but I believe he left out the whisk broom step -thereby blowing any chance we had of the floor being scrubbed ala ‘the way I was raised to scrub a floor’.)

Here’s a rule. My stepdaughters bought me this awesome HUGE book of Sudoku puzzles for Mother’s Day. I have it in the master bathroom. Every morning, I work on a puzzle. Now here’s the rule –if I finish a puzzle, I am only allowed to place ONE number into the next puzzle before I rise to finish my morning routine. For one thing, if I got carried away with more numbers, my legs would be numb and I wouldn’t be able to walk. I know - too much information.

Here’s another rule. Don’t leave the ketchup out on the counter after use. Brillo Man almost always does this. My therapist has convinced me to “let it go.” My life has much less stress now that I no longer complain and mutter under my breath because the ketchup bottle has been left on the counter.

Here’s a rule: One is not permitted to walk around the house in one’s underwear. (“But MOM! I didn’t want to get spaghetti sauce on the new shirt that Grandma Leanne gave me for my birthday! Now may I puhleeze have my dessert?!”)

Another rule –no dessert until you’ve eaten your dinner.

And don’t get me started on the ‘NEVER end a sentence in a preposition rule’!

Enough about the rules . . . Brillo Man just brought in the mail. I have to go open it before it’s too late!!!!

These commandments that I give you today
are to be upon your hearts.
--Deuteronomy 6:6

Thanks to Pat for inspiring today's blog entry.


Anonymous said...

It's a good thing I don't live in your house because i would have to add my rules to the list of your rules. Like don't leave the newspaper that you have already read on the floor or don't take off your shoes and leave them beside the chair. Love ya, Mom

Pat said...

Those rules sound perfectly reasonable to me - think of the chaos that would reign your home if SOMEONE always opened the mail without the proper tool.
And walking around the house in one's won't catch me doing that, no sir - no way!
Did I mention that the towels and wash cloths must always be folded and put away in the closet with the folded side facing the same direction? Once again ~ chaos supreme when that rule is broken!
Rules rock...especially mine!
Sounds like Mom has a few rules of her own!

char said...

Your Dad said it best - you are beyond hope!!!!

Anonymous said...

Chars answer is the best. Mom

Sara said...

these all make perfect sense to me.

Call me: The Mail Boy said...

I feel so...over-ruled.

Margie said...

those are great, but in our house, Phyllis could walk around in underwear (or diaper at the appropiate age) but never completely nikidity!

the only sane person in the family! said...

Call me: the mail boy...Dad you are such a dork. Deb you are definatly a character!

Jada's Gigi said...

You are too funny! but i am well aware of such rules...there has been more than one argument at my house over which way the toilet tissue should roll..from the top or from the bottom...

the only sane person in the family! said...

I wish to edit my previous post. For the record my Dad is not a Dork. He is a fine man with the stature and presence of royalty. He wants and gets nothing but the finest of things and he has many servants.

As for the rest of my post I do not feel at this time it would be wise for me to not call Deb a character.

Thank you for your time, long live King Dad!

Deborah said...

I'm afraid I must concur with the only sane member of the family. My husband is a great man, very regale. Even though it pains me to hear the truth Sane is correct, I am a character.

Long live King Husband.

Deb said...

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain....
The Great and Powerful 'deb' has spoken!

The true only sane person in the family! said...

oh geesh Dad. You really are such a goofball and the real only sane person in the family does not wish to revise the previous post. I still maintain that I am truly the only sane person in the family.

Janet Rubin said...

Oh my. This post stressed me out! I enjoyed it though. Since you can't see me opening my mail or walking around in my underwear:)