Sunday, February 18, 2007

A is for Alligator

It has occurred to me that I haven’t shared this story with my blog buddies...and I know how much you all enjoy a good story.....

When Brillo Man and I were dating (long distance - he in Florida and I in Pennsylvania), he used to take long walks through all the swamps and woodlands of Florida while talking to me on his cell phone. One particular evening, he was talking to me and walking when all of a sudden he spied an animal nearby in the underbrush. In an attempt to scare it away, he let out this horrific, primal scream: "Hiya! To his dismay, the loud, primal scream did nothing to scare the creature away –but rather encouraged it to ATTACK! The creature CHARGED at him through the underbrush – at which point, Brillo Man screamed louder and ran. I kept asking him, "Are you okay? Are you alright? What's going on?" I was feeling totally helpless being thousands of miles away - fearing he was being attacked by some kind of swamp creature! Finally, after he got quite a distance away and was able to catch his breath he said, "I was trying to scare away an animal I saw in the underbrush and it charged me - I think it was an alligator!" Realizing that he was obviously startled by this charging wild animal and wanting to bring some lightheartedness to the situation, I playfully said, " was probably just an armadillo”.

“No – It was an alligator.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure it was an alligator.”
“Well, you better get out of that area if there are alligators there.”

About fifteen minutes later into the conversation, Brillo Man said, “I have to tell you something.”
“It wasn’t an alligator.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Well, what was it?”
“It was an armadillo.”

Aha!!!...The ATTACK OF THE KILLER ARMADILLO!!! Needless to say --he has NEVER lived it down! He gets armadillos for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc. We have them all over the house – armadillo refrigerator magnets, armadillo key chains, ceramic armadillos, cast iron armadillos --you name it – he’s got it – armadillo Christmas Tree ornaments, armadillo belt buckles, armadillo banks, canned road kill armadillo…

We have a custom made road sign posted on our driveway which reads “ARMADILLO AVE.” For one anniversary, I presented him with a painting I had done just for him which now adorns our bedroom --you guessed it --an armadillo!

Here’s the really sad thing….this past Christmas, I FORGOT to wrap up an armadillo. (I have a stash of them hidden away – just in case I ever need an armadillo gift….) It’s time for me to go raid my stash…

(By the way....I have armadillo notecards for sale if anyone is interested...the proceeds from all sales will go to support AA....Amadillos Anonymous...of which Brillo Man is the founder and CEO. "Hello, my name is Brillo Man and I was attacked by an armadillo..." After all, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem!)


Pat said...

How do you mistake an armadillo for an alligator?
We are also fond of the silly armadillo here - we grew attached to the strange little critters when we lived in Texas - Hal has an armadillo belt buckle, which I'm very happy to say he doesn't wear.
Glad to see you blogging again - I missed you.
Now on to unscramble those stupid letters - hrmmmppp!

Mrs. Mac said...

Where did you go??? Glad to read your post today! Well, at least Brillow Man got the letter "A" correct. Alligator ... Armadillo ... sure it wasn't an Ardvark???

Sara said...

ha! i happen to have a stuffed armadillo on my deak right now! its name is alex, after a former student who gave it to me. armadillos rock. rock on brillo man.

Nancy French said...

Poor guy!

Anonymous said...

awww I love my daddt and his strange ways!

Anonymous said...

oops that was suppose to say Daddy. I guess I just cant type.

Call me Mr Goldenrod Surprise. said...

It beagn as every other ordinary twighling saunter, a picturesque walk through private property. The Old Gibbous moonlight and twinkling stars dimly casting caliginous beams of reflected sunlight upon the abandoned county road. Winding through the private schools property bounded by Hidden Lake to the east and a forgotten field of goldenrod to the west. Starligh Shimmering through thick hedges of southern white pines marking potholes for the hikers sure footed negotiations. The hiker, a gentleman of great character humble yet fearless after serving nearly two full decades of relentless unforgiving cold war duty to his country and for the good of all mankind. Now a mere Church custodian, serving God cleaning endless isle of chairs picking up ignored and discarded bulletins gum wrappers, candy wrappers, love notes in the teen section, forgotten baby bottles, diapers, Bibles, purses , wallets, cell phones, makeup cases, doodle inscribed tithe envelopes and a myriad of various and sundry items too numerous for his old mind to fathom.

As he stealthily trespassed the private school grounds conversing with his future wife the man beheld the magnificent moon shadows and inhaled the fragrant wetland sulfur aromas.

The near greeting card moment, suddenly shaken by an unordinary loud and thunderous hoof beating wild animal charge. Charging, snarling gnashing fearless intent on attacking and disemboweling the unsuspecting love stricken hiker; the beast madly ripping furrows as it plowed the untended soil in it's fervent charge.

Now the cool headed gentleman, wise beyond years remained calm. Years of watching the discovery channel flooded his memory and he without excitement or panic decried shoo, shoo beast, shoo. You'll not be eating me today now shoo. The beast unfettered merely charged more madly and violently toward the cool headed hiker.

Knowing the beast would surely not risk its own safety the hiker pressed on shouting be gone wild animal and hell be damned you shall not partake of my flesh but you must fear me and know my scope for hunting and ravaging. Be gone beast, you're perils have not begun but an inch further in yee charge will find you eye to eye with a man. Not just any man but a man raised by wolves and not just ordinary wolves but rabid wolves now beast save yourself and flee. Flee to the reaches of the swamp, the place where man gets stuck in quicksand.

To the bewilderment of the hiker his beast, now a worthy opponent charged onward directing it's fanged frothing furry toward the hikers legs. Though hidden in the defilade of the snapping stalwart stalks of goldenrod the monstrous beast had a presence of over 40 wild wildebeests and three lioness cubs and two snarling wolverines. What could this be mused the hiker, a Mountain Lion, a Wild Bear, perhaps it could even be the famed Jersey Devil, wintering in central Florida. Probably a gator or a wild boar thought a more sensible mind.

Taking a stance the hiker readied himself for battle. The beast charging, the hiker poised standing fearless concentrating on striking first. Its now man against beast thought the hiker, and I, I took the road less traveled. When suddenly appearing out of nowhere came the charging carnivore. Its hideous snout and shell nearly completely mostly almost but not entirely concealed in the southern white pine moonbeam shadows charged the hiker bumping into his keg.

The fortunate hiker a trained boy scout survived the attack.

Deb said...


tina fabulous said...

after his girly screams of terror, i'm very surprised he admitted it. i would have at least gone with a waifish yet spry alligator.

Anonymous said...

Nice story Dad. Our stomach hurts from laughing so hard..We Love You Oh strange Dad of ours!!..Kelly and Steph

Anonymous said...

All I want to know is, is he published? Great story son-in-law. And Deb one of my favorite songs from the Brookland T.C. You both ended my day with a smile.