My Autobiography - Part Three

(This is part three of the autobiography which I was required to write in order to complete the process of becoming a foster parent. To read parts one and two, scroll down to previous posts.)



Needless to say, Colleen exhibited tough love. Very tough love. Over the next few weeks she constantly encouraged Becca and I to make the decision to split up and assured us again and again that she was praying for us. One evening I just kept looking at the open door of our spare bedroom and the Lord kept saying to me, "You have to make the move and go through that bedroom door." Finally, after much deliberation with the Lord, I gave in and told Becca that I needed to move into the other bedroom. It was one of the most difficult moves I made, but I moved. Once settled into the other room –I turned on the radio to the local Christian radio station and these are the lyrics to the song that I heard playing:

In the things familiar we find security
Resisting all the changes that days and years can bring,
When God decides to lead you through an open door
Inviting you to walk in realms you've never walked before.
Beyond the open door is a new and fresh anointing,
Hear the Spirit calling you to go.
Walk on through the door for the Lord will go before you
Into a greater power you've never known before.

Hear the spirit calling to wake the living dead,
To reach the huddled masses who cry out for living bread.
Arise oh mighty army, take up thy shield and sword
For the Father lifts His golden lamp beside the open door.

Beyond the open door is a new and fresh anointing,
Hear the Spirit calling you to go.
Walk on through the door for the Lord will go before you
Into a greater power you've never known.

Beyond the open door is a new and fresh anointing,
Hear the Spirit calling you to go.
Walk on through the door for the Lord will go before you
Into a greater power you've never known . . .

Where He leads me, I will follow
Where He leads me, I will follow
And where He leads me, I will follow
Into a greater power we've never known before,
Beyond the open door.

That move into the spare bedroom was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. After all, I had spent over 17 years with this person. She was everything to me. A few days later, Becca moved in with Colleen and her husband and I was left alone in this house which I believed that God had blessed us with and I couldn’t believe that He was now requiring us to sell it and move apart. I kept insisting that we could continue to live together as friends. There was no way God was going to allow that. Regardless of any presence or absence of physical intimacy, we had a soul tie that needed to be broken. Each of us had placed the other first in our lives - a place which should be reserved only for the Lord.

I began to cry out to God like I never had before. I needed Him like I never had before. I had spoken to some friends and asked them how they viewed the Lord. One said, "I can’t see His face, but I can see the corners of His mouth and He’s smiling at me and He extends His hand and says, ‘let’s dance’." Another friend said that she pictured the Lord seated and she was at His feet, with her head in His lap, His arms embracing her. I had always seen the Lord as this All Powerful Being Who sat on the throne, with His train filling the temple and the cherubim and seraphim continually crying, "Holy Holy Holy is the Lamb Who sits on the Throne..." The God of the Universe. Not that God is not to be revered in that way, but I wanted to know the other aspects of His character. I wanted to learn how to be His bride –to dance with Him, to be able to have Him embrace me. I told the Lord that I wanted to go back to those days as a young person when I would spend hours praying and singing and worshiping Him.

So, I randomly opened my Bible and looked down at Hosea chapter 2. This is what it said, (Deb’s paraphrased version). "Behold, I will allure you into the wilderness (my footnote said that wilderness was a place of privacy) and it is there that you will sing to me as you did in the days of your youth. You will learn to call me "My Husband" and no longer "My Master". And I will betroth you to Me forever. I will remove the names of the Baals from your lips and you will remember them no more."

Wow. I am convinced that Hosea penned those words just for me. I fell to my knees and began to weep. The journey that the Lord took me on for the next six months was incredible. My relationship with Him grew to places that I never thought could be attained. I began to KNOW Him and all the aspects of His character. He taught me how to be His bride. It was one of the most rewarding times of my life. During this time, I met with some friends and had them pray for me. As they were praying - I closed my eyes and could envision a wall which was around me and as they prayed, the wall broke apart and fell at my feet. It was as clear as if it were real –only it was a vision in my mind. The Lord told me that the wall was the homosexual lifestyle and all the other stuff that I had placed between Him and me over the years. And it was crumbling at my feet. The Lord said to me, "I want you to step out of the rubble." I did nothing. The Lord just kept saying, "Step out of the rubble." A few minutes later, one of the two friends who were praying with me said, "Deb, God is telling you to step out of the rubble." I couldn’t believe it! How could she know what I was seeing and what God was telling me? But, I was obedient and stepped out of the rubble. I literally picked up my feet and stepped over the imaginary blocks that I saw in my mind. And from that moment on - experienced a freedom unlike any I had ever known. For the first time in years, I felt clean. I knew that I was totally delivered from homosexuality. It was an awesome experience!

To be continued....