Cheated

I’m sitting here watching a taped episode of The Oprah Show.

They are running a tape from 1989 when Oprah had the opportunity to be in the delivery room while two parents were anticipating the birth of their child.

I watched the surgeon scrub the mother’s belly.

I heard Oprah exclaim, “I see hair! I see hair!” as the baby was being removed from the womb.

I heard Oprah scream, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”

I saw the father cry as he bent down to kiss his wife.

I saw the nurse swaddle the baby and present him to the mother to hold while the doctor finished stitching her incision.

And I feel cheated.

I too, am a Mom.

I was looking forward to sharing all those moments when Olivia came into this world.

Looking forward to hearing someone exclaim, “It’s a girl! It’s a girl!”

Looking forward to crying tears of joy with my husband when she was born.

Looking forward to holding my newborn baby on my chest.

Olivia was born via emergency C-section 2 ½ months early. The last thing I remember after I kissed my husband and they wheeled me into the O.R and prepped me for surgery. was counting backwards from ten as they placed the anesthesia mask on my face.

I woke up in recovery –asking if the baby was okay and was it a boy or girl.

I was in such critical condition that I spent two days in the ICU and didn’t even get to see my daughter, who was fighting for her life, until she was three days old.

And then, when I finally was wheeled into the NICU and saw Olivia for the very first time, an insensitive nurse told me that it was almost time for “change of shift” and she was going to have to “give report” and I had to leave –after only seeing Olivia for not even five minutes.

It was over a week before I could hold her.

The whole experience still brings tears to my eyes over four years later.

Don’t think for one minute that I’m not eternally grateful for all the miracles that took place during Olivia’s first two months of life that she spent in the NICU before being released to come home. The Lord spared her life several times. He was faithful.

The experts told us that it would be six years before Olivia would “catch up” to her peers and they wanted to follow her progress every three months. At age 18 months, they looked at us and said, “We never want to see you again. Not only has Olivia caught up to her peers, but she has surpassed “normal” children her age, especially in the area of her communication skills.” Needless to say, we did the “happy dance” and praised God for His goodness.

Every time I know of a mother who has had the privilege of going through natural childbirth (though some may not consider it a privilege!), or hear of a mother who was able to be awake during her C-section—with her husband by her side…I am jealous.

Some people may tell me to “get over it –there are much worse things in this life to be sorry about.” And they would be right.

There are days when I wonder why God took us down that path.

I wonder why we went through all the anguish we went through during Olivia’s very difficult first two months of life.

Why He chose us to suffer in that way.

And then wonder, why not?

He has great plans for our daughter - this I know.

But, I still feel cheated.