Things I Will Never Do

There are things in this life that I probably will never do - just because it would go against every grain in me to do them. For example, what would happen if you popped a bag of microwave popcorn with "THIS SIDE UP" facing down? I'll never know --because I will never do that --it CLEARLY states on the bag that you should pop it in the correct popping position. What could possibly happen?...will the microwave suddenly implode? Will the popcorn bag get holes in it thereby causing the microwave to spew popcorn all about the inside? Would an alarm go off and a big red arrow appear in the sky flashing and pointing at you?! What's the big deal? (And by the way....why isn't popcorn considered a vegetable?!)

Here's something else you'll never catch me doing....driving across the parking lines in a parking lot. If it's during the day, I have to drive all the way to the END of the row before I turn. If it's NIGHTTIME...No road rules apply --I figure if it's dark, they won't see me.

And another thing...I will never drink milk - or any other beverage - from the carton. Unless, of course, it's an individual sized carton. To me...that would be the same as DOUBLE DIPPING --which is something else I'd NEVER DO (in a 'community' bowl). Now, if I have my own individual dipping 'station' then again --rules don't apply. I have been known, on occasion, to cheat and dip one end of the pretzel or chip, take a bite and then TURN the snack item around and dip the other end --as long as I can be sure that there is enough "clearance" and the freshly dipped part of the pretzel or chip will not in any way come in contact with the dip.

I will also never put the roll of toilet tissue on the holder the WRONG way. It is supposed to unroll from the top FRONT of the roll - not the BACK of the roll. If you don't believe me --just buy one of those brands that has the little roses or something embossed in the paper and see if you put it on the roll with the paper unrolling from the back that the whole design is UPSIDE DOWN! If your paper hangs the wrong direction --you must be communist or something. (This goes for my sister who doesn't escape my frustration just because she's a blood relative. Forgiveness doesn't apply to mismanaged toilet paper etiquette.)


Something else I just won't do is throw away a half-full 20 oz bottle of pop just because it's been sitting in my van for more than a week. You never know when I may have a DRY MOUTH EMERGENCY and need to take a swig of the pop - be it flat and fizz-less or not. Ideally, the leftover beverage of choice would be some non-carbonated drink and it would be any season other than summer so that the beverage remains cool or cold. (I recently cleaned out the van and found five half-empty 20 oz. bottles of drink. They are now neatly organized in a bag on the floor of the passenger side --just in case I need them in an emergency.)

Here's another one that I feel VERY strongly about: I WILL NOT share my WENDY'S FROSTY with ANYONE! We MUST all have our OWN! --or at the very least --pour some into an empty cup and share it that way. My husband will attest to this and would be more than willing to share with anyone who will listen about my selfishness when it comes to Wendy's Frosties.

Last, but not least....I cannot, will not, no way, no how, in any shape or form bite into a Tootsie Roll Pop until I've licked far enough to expose at least half of the tootsie roll center. That would just be wrong. (and UN-American.)